Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
