Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
