Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This toilet bowl is my home.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
