I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
