I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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