get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
