i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dicks are not precious.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
