I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
