If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
