How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
