his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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