Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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