your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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