I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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