I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
