The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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