went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
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She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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