Life is so much better after having sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
