capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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