when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
