I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Found your dick twin last night
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
