Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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