Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
