I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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