Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
