i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
