I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
