woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
