I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
