shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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