Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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