I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
