the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize