Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
