got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
