He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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