I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
