Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
