ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
