It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
BRING THE BAGELS
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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