totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
