As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you would pick up someone in the library
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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