Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
