I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He? As in you personified your dick?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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