You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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