I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
