there's paper in my vomit.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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