It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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