I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
