I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I looked at my own cervix.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
