We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
