My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
