Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
