A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
