There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
